Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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