You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize