Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
