We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
