If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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