Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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