I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
this hospital has no fireball
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
