I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
