if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
