i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
