I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
