Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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