Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
