Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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