The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
