I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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