swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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