i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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