I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
