he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
