I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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