I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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