The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
