I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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