you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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