I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
