I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
