Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
