What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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