haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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