My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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