Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
