Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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