Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
