my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
