Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
