Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
