My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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