I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So many bounce houses so little time
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
