If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
