The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
