you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
