Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We are all done wearing pants today
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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