Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
