Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
