So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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