I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
