this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You have to summon your inner elephant
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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