I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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