theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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