My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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