you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
