Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
