He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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