So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
