the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
