seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
